I Can't Do a Love Song The Way It's Meant to Be
by twistedcommunication
Summary: Quinn's been lying to herself about all of the most important things for years. Maybe now is the time to stop. Maybe now is the time for Rachel's brand of honesty.Quinn/Rachel, Rachel/Santana friendship.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. _

Quinn first fell in love before she even really understood what being in love meant. She's older now – ought to be wiser, ought to know better – but the fact is she's still trying to get over that love (the one she can't even bring herself to admit to, except locked in that tiny box right at the back of her mind). She covers it up with hurtful words, and it's _stupid, _really, because she knows, if she's logical (but when has Quinn ever been logical?) that she really only has her own judgement to worry about.

The thing is, her own judgement is enough – years of bible verses used to _justify _hatred, sermons with their hard-to-forget words – the idea that some things are just plain wrong has been ingrained for too long. Quinn plays games, doesn't do real feelings; doesn't think she can take that risk. She hasn't had a real friend in a long time (_minions, _maybe) and if she thought too much about this it would hurt. So she doesn't, think about it that is. She convinces herself that this is the role she wants to play, not just the one she has been forced to play.

Just as there are pawns in this game that Quinn plays, there are, just like in any game, losers. The most frequent victim is Rachel. She's an easy target, after all (the way she dresses alone provides plenty of ammunition) but it's about more than that. Hate, for Quinn, who was raised to do what is _right_ and not what makes her happy, is a far easier emotion to deal with than the tangled jumble of emotions she could feel for Rachel, should she let herself.

And it's this that leads to her currently being stood opposite Rachel, watching the shorter girl wipe corn syrup out of her eyes, convincing herself she has nothing to feel guilty about. After all, Rachel is a loser, she talks too much, she has opinions about things she has no right to have opinions on; she draws attention to herself in all the wrong ways. There's this nagging voice at the back of Quinn's head though, saying maybe Rachel doesn't deserve this. She shuts the voice down just as quickly, glaring at Rachel and offering a biting insult instead of the apology, half- formed, that is buried with all those other things Quinn doesn't allow herself to feel.

Rachel glares back, seems unaffected but Quinn can see the glimmer of tears forming in her eyes underneath the red stains.

"You're not gonna _cry _are you Berry? That sweater being ruined was the best thing that could have happened to it," she says in Rachel's direction, not meeting her eyes. Quinn never quite meets Rachel's eyes. For all that she's in control of this whole school, for all the respect and fear she commands, Rachel terrifies her in an entirely different way, with her eyes that pull you in and refuse to let you go, and Quinn will never let herself be vulnerable.

Rachel looks down at the floor, slushy still dripping from her hair, quietly but steadily, no sign of those tears present anymore, says,

"Why do you hate me so much, Quinn?"

Quinn doesn't have a response, has never had a real response to that question. The truth is, she doesn't hate Rachel. She hates herself. And so Quinn reacts the only way Quinn knows how: defensively; cruelly.

"I don't hate you, treasure trail. I don't care about you enough to hate you. You're beneath me."

Only, it's not like that at all. The fact of the matter is, underneath all the hateful remarks and bullying, Quinn believes that she is beneath Rachel. Rachel is too good for her, and that is part of what terrifies Quinn. When she wishes for it, she knows she will have Rachel's forgiveness, but she's not sure she'll ever deserve it. Rachel looks at her, like she _knows _all of these things, and turns and walks away. That's when Quinn notices her nails digging into her palm – her penance for the pain she causes Rachel is nowhere near enough.

Rachel finds, with a sigh of relief, that the bathroom she has chosen for her clean up is empty. There's nothing that can be done for her sweater now though, not in this timeframe. She ran out of excuses for her fathers a long time ago. Now, she makes sure she leaves the house while they're otherwise occupied – if they don't know what she's wearing at the start of the day they can't question her on the constant outfit changes. She feels bad hiding things from her fathers, who have always taught her the virtue of honesty, but she is proud too, doesn't want to be the girl who goes home crying to her fathers about what happens to her when they're not there to protect her.

It's not like anything can be done for her anyway – she's been marked out as this target for everyone to take their frustration out on from almost the very first day. At least it is the end of the week (it's been a bad one, Quinn's slushy makes eight) and Rachel can lose herself in her various dance and music lessons. There, she can pretend she has friends (they're just acquaintances, really, but even someone as outwardly strong as Rachel can't bear to think about how alone they really are) since Quinn has made it nearly impossible for Rachel to have friends here. She thought maybe Kurt was an option (_different _brings people together, doesn't it?) but he is just as capable of casual cruelty as Quinn – Rachel still hasn't forgotten the makeover incident. The thing that hurt the most about that is that she genuinely believed maybe she had a new friend. She doesn't care so much about Finn – she needs a leading man, yes, but only in music, not in life – she just thought maybe he'd protect her from Quinn. She realises now that maybe, just maybe, the best way to go about that wasn't to make out as if she was trying to steal him but there is nothing that can be done about that now.

She rinses out the last of the slushy from her hair and reaches for her towel, drying her hair off as quickly as possible – she's running late now and wants to make it home before either of her fathers returns from work. She takes a deep breath, puts her smile back on her face, and leaves the bathroom as if nothing has happened.

The following Monday sees Rachel forced to sit next to Santana in history when they're the last two to arrive. Rachel can tell this is going to be a bad day already, and her bad feeling is only confirmed when the teacher states that the person next to them will be their partner for the next project they are to complete. Rachel's attempts at protesting go unheard. Santana looks even less pleased, but she needs this grade and she can admit that Rachel's smart, in that sense she couldn't have asked for a better partner. It's just that she finds Rachel so utterly _irritating _that she's not sure how they'll be able to complete this project without her feeling the need to punch Rachel to shut her up. Rachel gives her a half hearted smile. She glares back and Rachel hurriedly looks away. Yep, she can still instil fear wherever she goes...maybe she can even make this little partnership fun. Rachel watches Santana smirk out of the corner of her eye and thinks to herself that nothing good can ever come of this.

"Meet me outside the library after school," says Santana.

"But I have..." Rachel begins to protest. Santana interrupts however, says she doesn't do excuses, and that Rachel had better be there or otherwise there would be _consequences._


	2. Chapter 2

It's the end of the day and Rachel is waiting outside the library, as per Santana's instructions. The other girl is late and Rachel is gearing up for a rant of epic proportions, after all, she could have had things to do! She didn't, not really, but Santana doesn't have to know that. She takes out her bright pink phone, tapping out a message to her Daddy – he finishes work before her Dad.

_Will be home a little late today, working on a project x _

She puts the phone away and looks up to find Santana coming towards her, _finally. _

"Hey dwarf," she greets.

"Satan," returns Rachel. No apology for the lateness, Rachel notes, her irritation building. As much as she hates to admit it though, Santana does have the power to make her life worse (namely, her friendship, if you can call it that, with Quinn) and so she only says,

" Let's just get this project over with. I have things to do."

Santana scoffs, clearly disbelieving but follows Rachel into the library anyway. Artie and Brittany are sat at the nearest table. Santana takes one look at them, turns on her heel and gives Rachel a look that clearly says why aren't you following already? Rachel looks momentarily confused, then follows Santana's line of vision, comprehension dawning.

" Don't let it get to you," offers Rachel quietly.

"Did I _say _it was getting to me? Who asked your opinion anyway?" Santana snaps back. "Maybe I just don't feel like working in this library right now."

"Right, and it has nothing to do with the fact that Brittany is in it, does it? I thought you were friends."

"Didn't I just tell you to keep your big nose out?" Santana retaliates.

"Sorry," replies Rachel, not wanting to deal with Santana's anger right now, despite the curiosity filling her.

"Where are we going anyway?" she asks as she walks quickly to keep up with Santana's more aggressive pace.

"My place, my parents are out," replies Santana.

Rachel looks apprehensive.

"Oh relax, would you? You might be extremely annoying but I think I can restrain myself from killing you."

Rachel's not entirely satisfied that this is true, however when Santana tells her to hurry up and get in the car she is obedient. She's regretting this approximately thirty seconds later when she finds out that Santana is an absolutely insane driver who has no regard whatsoever for traffic rules. Fortunately, a five minute drive later and Santana is pulling into her driveway. She climbs out of the car, not quite able to speak yet, and follows Santana as she enters the dark house, flipping a light switch as she goes. She figures out very soon after that Santana really must have been desperate to avoid Brittany, there's no way that she, Rachel Berry, would be in Santana's room otherwise. This further piques her curiosity but she doesn't say anything, at least not yet (she thinks she can be good at getting information out of someone given the opportunity though).

Four hours later, she's discovered that she was exactly right – Santana had decided she needed a 'couple' of beers in order to deal with studying with Rachel – and Rachel has discovered that Santana can't hold her alcohol nearly as well as you would expect from a girl like her. Luckily they made a decent start on the project before it was too late. Rachel notices a photo frame facedown on Santana's bedside table, and moves her hand to pick it up.

"Don't touch that!" says Santana, but it's too late, Rachel has already flipped it over, to reveal a picture of Brittany and Santana, both in their Cheerio's uniforms, smiling at each other as if no one else exists in the world. There's a crack down the middle of the frame though, a product of Santana's anger, Rachel guesses.

"It's a nice picture," Rachel murmurs and is startled to see tears in Santana's eyes.

"You want to talk about it?" she continues. "I know you don't like me but I'm a good listener."

Santana shakes her head, looking away. Her back to Rachel, she finally says what has been true all along.

"It's not that I don't like you."

"It's alright," Rachel responds. "It's just high school."

"Yeah, you can be annoying, but so can everyone. And you're being really nice to me now, even though I don't deserve it," Santana replies.

"I see no reason to be mean," is Rachel's response. Santana turns back around at this.

"She wanted to sing a duet with me," she says so quietly Rachel has to strain to hear it.

"Brittany?" questions Rachel.

"No, the incredible hulk. Of course Brittany!" Looking at Rachel's face, Santana pauses and says, " Sorry, defence mechanism," she adds.

Rachel nods, and asks her next question instead of making fun of the fact that Santana actually just apologised for her sarcasm.

"Why did it matter? That she wanted to sing a duet?"

"It was about more than the duet."

Rachel just looks blank, so Santana explains,

"She wanted to sing Melissa Etheridge's 'Come To My Window'.

Rachel nods once, in comprehension and says,

"So?"

"I'm not in love with her."

"Except you kind of are, right? That's the problem? You're jealous of Artie?"

"No!" she replies vehemently.

Rachel looks sceptical and just looks at her, until Santana mumbles, "OK, maybe a little."

"Why don't you just tell her this?" Rachel asks.

"''Cause she's happy."

"Wow, who knew Santana Lopez had a heart," says Rachel, but her smile is good-natured, teasing.

Santana laughs through the few tears that have fallen.

"Thanks, Rachel," she says. "Although, if you tell anyone..."

"You'll have to kill me, I know. Don't worry, I'm good at keeping secrets."

"Plenty of practice of your own, huh?" says Santana knowingly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asks Rachel.

Santana offers only one word as a response. "Quinn."

"You're crazy. She hates me!"

"No she doesn't. Quinn's just scared of everything, she always has been."

"I didn't know you were so perceptive," says Rachel.

"Well now you get to find out, 'cause...truce?" Santana offers, holding out her hand for Rachel to take.

"_Friends_," replies Rachel firmly, taking Santana's hand. "Now, I really should be getting home. I'll see you tomorrow," she says, sharing a smile with Santana.

"Goodnight," Santana replies.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, Rachel is a little nervous about seeing Santana again, assuming she will have forgotten all about their truce and will have gone back to behaving like the bitch a Cheerio must be. However, she is pleasantly surprised when she passes by Santana's locker and Santana offers the tiniest of smiles and a quiet, "Hey, Berry." Rachel's responding grin doesn't leave her face for the entirety of first period.

The smile is wiped off her face in the gap between first and second period, however, when Karofsky decides it has been too long since she last received a slushy. She ducks into the bathroom to find Santana reapplying make-up. She turns when she hears Rachel come in, takes one look at the frozen beverage(blue this time) dripping off of Rachel and says, "Who?"

"Karofsky," replies Rachel, as she moves towards the sink to begin her cleaning regime.

"I'll be back in a minute," says Santana, leaving before Rachel can protest. She doesn't know exactly what it is that Santana has done, but later today she'll be shocked to find Karofsky apologise and promise never to do it again.

True to her word, Santana comes back into the bathroom.

"You'll be late," Rachel protests as Santana reaches to help rinse out her hair.

"Free period," responds Santana.

"You don't have to help me, you know, Santana. I already promised not to tell anyone about last night, you don't have to pretend to be my friend."

Rachel's insecurities are getting the better of her now. It's hard to be optimistic about friendship when you spend a large percentage of your week dripping corn syrup everywhere.

"Who's pretending? Look, I'm not gonna pretend that you don't bug me sometimes, but you're a good person, Rachel. And I was wrong to ever treat you otherwise."

Rachel looks down at the floor.

"It's just...I've never had a friend before," she admits quietly.

Santana looks away guiltily.

"Well, we are going to fix that," she says, offering Rachel a small smile.

"Now come on, you don't want to miss all of second period do you?"

"See you at lunch?" Rachel asks, the shyest Santana has ever seen her.

She nods. "See you at lunch, midget." The teasing is good-natured now, not vicious, and Rachel looks Santana up and down, and says,

"You're hardly a giant," before leaving the bathroom, not allowing Santana time to get in the last word. Santana takes her time leaving the bathroom, she doesn't have anywhere to be, the free period is a double one. Her and Brittany used to spend them together but now Brittany is always with Artie. She emerges to literally run right into Quinn.

"Since when are you friends with RuPaul?" questions Quinn, without so much as a greeting.

"Since I decided that this whole hierarchy thing is stupid," replies Santana.

"You won't mind when Coach Sylvester finds out and kicks you off the squad then?"

Santana falters. She needs the scholarships that cheerleading affords her. She enjoys the power that being one of Sue's favourites(although she'd never admit she has favourites)gives her. And she actually enjoys the cheerleading itself.

"I'm not doing anything wrong," says Santana.

"Yet," replies Quinn.

"Look, Q, just 'cause you're too scared to talk to her without insulting her doesn't mean you can threaten me."

"Who's threatening?" asks Quinn, the picture of innocence.

"I'm the closest thing to a real friend you have. Don't push me, Quinn."

Quinn softens then. They used to be more genuine than this. High school messed their friendship up, both of them too busy trying to climb to the top. The thing about the top is that it's lonely there, and although they would never admit it, they need each other.

"How's Brittany?"

"Why don't you ask her," retorts Santana, surprising herself with how bitter the words come out.

"Just talk to her, S. What's the worst that could happen?"

She'll break my heart, thinks Santana, but she doesn't offer this information to Quinn. It's ironic really, she's already confided that much to Rachel, in a manner of speaking, but she can't bring herself to be that exposed with a girl that she's been friends with for years.

"You and Rachel think more similarly than either of you realise," she says instead. "You could make an effort with her Quinn. You've been in love with her since freshman year, don't you think it's time to stop hiding?"

She turns and walks away without giving Quinn a chance to respond – not that she is currently capable of speech, anyway, as shock has overtaken her features. Is she really that transparent? She shakes her head. Of course not, Santana doesn't really think that, she was just saying to get to Quinn. She couldn't possibly actually know, could she? Quinn is worried now. If Santana has noticed there is a chance that Rachel has too. Maybe she needs to step up her game. She needs to make it clear that there is no part of her that feels anything good for Rachel.

Her phone buzzes then, it's a message from Santana.

_No one else knows. Please don't make things worse for Rachel, it's not her fault. Try, Q. Just think about it – S. _

She responds.

_Don't know wt ur talkin abt. _

Santana's response is prompt.

_Don't play dumb with me, Q. Everything you've ever wanted for years could be yours if you'd just get your head out of your ass and *try*. I'm trying to help here, which is more than you deserve after the way you've been lately._

_Srry, _texts Quinn, _but I don't even know how. _

_That's what I'm here for, Q. Come over tonight. Rachel will be there. All you have to do is be civil. It's not that hard!_

_I'm not ready_

_At least back off in school, then, and we'll work our way up. Call off the slushies. _

Quinn sighs. She doesn't know if she can do this. If she's nice to Rachel, she thinks all of her feelings for the other girl are going to come right to the surface, and she's worked so hard on forcing them down that she doesn't know if she can handle that. She texts Santana back though.

She says '_ok_'.


End file.
